Twice in one week!

I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.

A conversation that I had with a friend earlier this evening really got me thinking about what I want to do this time next year. I keep saying that I'm applying for Ph.D. programs and that this is what I wanted to do forever, so now I have to. But after seeing all my friends going through the process of earning a Ph.D. and the various stages they are in, I'm starting to wonder if I can.

I think I need to be clear here. I think I CAN go through the hell of obtaining a Ph.D., but what I don't think I am is smart enough to get through it. I've been in classes with Ph.D. candidates and I can't see myself ever having the intellectual capacity to be where they are as students, teachers, people in general, etc. They'll throw out a word or an idea and everyone else in the room nods like "Oh, that was brilliant! You're absolutely right. I mean, I had thought of that already, as I am a Ph.D. candidate myself, but you worded it so eloquently." Meanwhile I'm thinking "Uhh...how do you even spell that?"

I feel like I fooled my university into letting me in for an MFA. That was easy enough (ha!). Can I fool another one into letting me in for a Ph.D.? Getting in is half the battle. No, that's a lie. That's a whole other battle on its own. The Ph.D. is on another level.

I do want to get my Ph.D. because I want to teach at the university level. I know I don't necessarily need one, but it would certainly make the job search at least a fraction easier than if I just had an MFA. Plus, I love academia. I can't get enough. I just hope that a school sees my drive--my ambition--and takes that for something, even if I'll never be as smart as the other candidates.